Keeping it real

OK!

I've found some lost drive...
Hm... maybe it's more of re-directing...

Did you know that being psychologically unwell can lead to being physically unwell too?
Of course, my sociology lecturer would probably tell you that it's all about how we are being socialised into behaving 'unwell' and that it might not be a physical thing at all.

In any case...
I'm re-directing my drive to try playing keeper!

Don't laugh!

I've always wanted to give it a go (goal).
Seriously...
Oh k... so I might not have the size and height...
But I hope that for what I lack in size, I make up for in agility.
Looks like it's going to be some hard working and serious stretching ahead.
I don't mind.
I did ballet for 10 years of my life...
Let's see if all those years of body/muscle control is going to come in handy.

Cross your fingers for me guys...

I'll Be Back

It is sometimes very difficult to accept reality.

You either don't want to, or you have not realised what that reality is.

What's the next best step to take?

Buddy... If I knew... I won't be getting my degree in Economics...

I've mentioned before that I hate this feeling of uncertainty...

I do.

Now, I'm simply struggling with what my reality is.

Help from others?

Uhm... not easy, maybe impossible.
Or maybe I just don't want it.

Help from God?

I've been praying...
But this got to me
"Why do we find it natural to pray for rain or shine, but silly to pray for an eclipse?"

I think I'm lost...
In fact, I've lost many things...
Weight included.
I look horrible now.
If I listed all I lost... you would think very badly of me...

Even my self-worth has been diminishing.

Maybe I should not care so much.
Maybe I should take something up.
Something that'll make me happy, something that I'm actually good at.

Pardon me...
Indulge me a little...
I'll stop my whining soon.
I'll pick myself up once I find which hole I've fallen into.

I'm independent, I'm strong.
Yet sometimes... It's hard to stay that way.
So maybe I'm not...

But make no mistake.
I'll be back...

Zouk

The whole world was at Zouk last night!

Met about 10 people I've not seen in awhile...
Met an army of new people as well.

I drank far more than I was used to, did not get to the dancefloor.
Not too fun...

Of course, the company was great!
That's about the best part of it really...

Can't fight this feeling alone...

I'm troubled......

We've always heard that the way to handle your fears and troubles is to turn around and face them.
Of course, by saying that, it already means that I've got my back to those troubles and am all ready to run away.

All my life (I just realised), I've avoided situations where I'd be left feeling uncertain.
I would evade it or flee from it... Never really facing it.

If I'm not sure about something, I'd look up the dictionary, read books on the topic, ask about enough questions to drive even the most patient Angel crazy!
Only then will I even attempt to tackle the problem, but by then, since you know the topic so well, it no longer is a problem...

But as the years go by and adulthood creeps in nearer, you find that there are many many questions that can't be answered.

Those are the 'gut-feeling' questions.
Those are the questions we wish someone older and wiser had written a book on.
Those are the questions we might know the ideal answer to, but don't want to admit.
Those... are the toughest questions that dump us into the minefield that adulthood is.

Right now, I'm feeling lost, insecure, scared, confused, nervous......
Basically, I'm being a whining idiot (the whining I do is pretty silent except to a select few).
I'm feeling the way I absolutely hate to feel.
I know how to 'face' it, but I'm so so afraid of the answer.

I hate this feeling.

I'm Happy

You know what?

Relationships scare me still...
But they bring a whole lot of the feeling of being loved into your life.
You know you're on someone's mind, you know you matter a whole lot to someone...

Of course... you matter to family too, but for family, that's like compulsary!

I'm feeling content now...
Maybe it's just the whole Christmas spirit....

:)

Somehow, I really doubt that...