The Christian Depression

My LORD, how shall I dispel my hurt?
Where shall I release my anguish?
If I am not to sully the image of another, who will hear my pain?
If I keep these things within me,
How will my problems be solved?
From whom shall I seek my solution?
My tears might fall, but still the swell of bitterness lies within my heart and soul.

When I seek, I sometimes not find.
When I ask, I don't necessarily get an answer.
Sometimes I'm afraid to knock; what if I do and there's no one there?
But one thing I can open is the Bible.
One place I can find the answer is my heart where you reside.
I close my eyes for even without them I see you.
My memories, my present, my future.
I see you.
You are indeed my everlasting God.

Again I am faced with a conflicting heart and mind LORD.
My heart wants, but my mind convinces it otherwise.
Heart and mind find satisfaction in different things.
Do I bring it up or leave it?
You take first place in our loves, yet how can we say everything else is not important?
You'll provide, that I know, yet... what if we yearn for more?
How could we decide?

I face uncertainty every single day
A day spent without communication with you happens often.
It's so convenient, yet Prayer is the most natural and normal response for a heart that is dependent on God.
Tell me LORD, what do you say?

The Christian Depression

Will you answer if I call?
Will you dry my tears?
Dare I lift up a prayer of risk?
Dare I try to please?
How will I know if you will answer, how long must I wait and try?
Rejection will hurt me more than never asking.
My spirit is weak but grows weaker from fear.
Dare I boast of your goodness in front of others? What if they don't believe?
Will you present yourself if I beg?
Your Will I know not.
I fear for my future even though I know you've got it planned.
What drives this fear in me?
How do I silence this negative thought?
How can I cultivate spiritual peace?

LORD, I tremble when you seem so far, I shiver when you don't seem near.
LORD, I want to hide in your loving embrace, yet I can't run into your arms.
I know I'm not clean enough for you, I'm not that pure child you want.
I know that you'll never forsake me, yet I feel it's somewhere down the line.
How can I defend you in another's defiance when I can't find you in myself?
How will you teach me what to say if I refuse to be that student?
My heart sinks deeper with each day, my sorrow now a friend.
I hide my inequities with a front, I fear I might forget it's not me.
Will you have me be this way?
I fear the pain of change.
How now shall I move forward?
Please light my path.
It's dark in my world tonight...

The Christian Depression

How will you find comfort when the world critisizes you?
How will you cure your heartache when the ones you love turn away from you?
What will you do if they leave you?
What if you were abandoned?
How will you find security?
Where will you seek solence?
How will you pray?
Where will you find the strength to?
Where will the motivation come from?

I was arrogant... so incredibly arrogant.
Who was I to comment on the traits of those and claim they were found wanting?
Presented with temptation, can I turn away?
Hypocrite I was, hypocrite I still am...
Hypocrite I am forever striving not to be.
Now I have not the right to critisize, now I have not the right to comment.
I feel my Lord is displeased with me, yet, I don't know for sure. Maybe I don't want to know.
I want to blame another, yet the only one I can blame is myself.
I'm worthless, yet I'm precious.
Has anything ever been so conflicting?
The Christian depression I'm going through...
This depression I'm in...
How will I get out?