The Christian Depression

My LORD, how shall I dispel my hurt?
Where shall I release my anguish?
If I am not to sully the image of another, who will hear my pain?
If I keep these things within me,
How will my problems be solved?
From whom shall I seek my solution?
My tears might fall, but still the swell of bitterness lies within my heart and soul.

When I seek, I sometimes not find.
When I ask, I don't necessarily get an answer.
Sometimes I'm afraid to knock; what if I do and there's no one there?
But one thing I can open is the Bible.
One place I can find the answer is my heart where you reside.
I close my eyes for even without them I see you.
My memories, my present, my future.
I see you.
You are indeed my everlasting God.

Again I am faced with a conflicting heart and mind LORD.
My heart wants, but my mind convinces it otherwise.
Heart and mind find satisfaction in different things.
Do I bring it up or leave it?
You take first place in our loves, yet how can we say everything else is not important?
You'll provide, that I know, yet... what if we yearn for more?
How could we decide?

I face uncertainty every single day
A day spent without communication with you happens often.
It's so convenient, yet Prayer is the most natural and normal response for a heart that is dependent on God.
Tell me LORD, what do you say?

The Christian Depression

Will you answer if I call?
Will you dry my tears?
Dare I lift up a prayer of risk?
Dare I try to please?
How will I know if you will answer, how long must I wait and try?
Rejection will hurt me more than never asking.
My spirit is weak but grows weaker from fear.
Dare I boast of your goodness in front of others? What if they don't believe?
Will you present yourself if I beg?
Your Will I know not.
I fear for my future even though I know you've got it planned.
What drives this fear in me?
How do I silence this negative thought?
How can I cultivate spiritual peace?

LORD, I tremble when you seem so far, I shiver when you don't seem near.
LORD, I want to hide in your loving embrace, yet I can't run into your arms.
I know I'm not clean enough for you, I'm not that pure child you want.
I know that you'll never forsake me, yet I feel it's somewhere down the line.
How can I defend you in another's defiance when I can't find you in myself?
How will you teach me what to say if I refuse to be that student?
My heart sinks deeper with each day, my sorrow now a friend.
I hide my inequities with a front, I fear I might forget it's not me.
Will you have me be this way?
I fear the pain of change.
How now shall I move forward?
Please light my path.
It's dark in my world tonight...

The Christian Depression

How will you find comfort when the world critisizes you?
How will you cure your heartache when the ones you love turn away from you?
What will you do if they leave you?
What if you were abandoned?
How will you find security?
Where will you seek solence?
How will you pray?
Where will you find the strength to?
Where will the motivation come from?

I was arrogant... so incredibly arrogant.
Who was I to comment on the traits of those and claim they were found wanting?
Presented with temptation, can I turn away?
Hypocrite I was, hypocrite I still am...
Hypocrite I am forever striving not to be.
Now I have not the right to critisize, now I have not the right to comment.
I feel my Lord is displeased with me, yet, I don't know for sure. Maybe I don't want to know.
I want to blame another, yet the only one I can blame is myself.
I'm worthless, yet I'm precious.
Has anything ever been so conflicting?
The Christian depression I'm going through...
This depression I'm in...
How will I get out?

Nothing to Lose

Of all people, I should know the frailties of human living.
Of all people, I should understand emotions and what kind of role they play.
Of all people, I should be more patient and loving to those around me.

Really.

I've got nothing to lose from being nice.
I've got nothing to lose from being loving.
I've got nothing to lose from being there for someone.

I believe everything is sort of an exchange.
Like...
You 'lose' something, like money, but you make up for it in feeling good.
You 'lose' time, but you get to see a friend blossom
You feel your heart breaking, but then you got someone to mend it for you, and the special thing about it is that it always comes back better than before.
By the way, that 'someone' who mends broken hearts is none other than God, my Lord Almighty.
El-Shaddai.
If you want to learn about Him or want Him to mend your heart, give me a call.
He already know who you are...
He's just waiting for you to come.

My Mom Hates Me

It's really no secret.

I can't even recall the last time she smiled or said anything nice or positive to me.

I think she thinks I'm worthless.
And I'm not too affected by it any longer.

Am I being a pathetic, whiny, attention-deprived kid?

No... I don't think so.
Just look at how she talks to anyone and everyone else.
Not a tinge of anger or impatience in her voice.

When she talks to me, it's nothing but anger and disgust.

Any cheery 'Hello' from me is answered with an accusation, warning or scolding.

Anyway, why should I care anymore?
I'm 22.
I don't need affection from her to be self-assured.
It'll be nice to have.
It'll be nice to have her be civil to me.
But it's not necessary.

You want me to be independent and strong?
I can be.
But just don't limit my ability to do so.
If you can't stand my presence, you should have just packed me off to Australia a long time ago.
It's still not too late.
Then I won't be such a 'disgrace' to you.
(you don't even use that word on people you hate, but you've used it on me)
Then I won't be such a burden.
Then you won't ever have any fights with Dad and blame it on me.

Then I won't have my heart broken till I can hardly feel emotion anymore.

You think I'm arrogant?
I'm forced to be, to preserve my sanity and self-worth.
You think I take things for granted?
When was the last time I asked you for anything that you actually helped me with without bearing a grudge?
You think I go out a whole lot?
I want to keep the house peaceful.
I don't want to get picked on even while reading a book.
You're happier anyway...

Don't like me taking the car?
If you had to practically pay for everything on your own, you'll try to scrimp and save every penny too.
Think I'm an idiot for giving a friend a lift?
You're ignoring the fact that I've only done it a few times while he does it almost daily.

Oh...
You never see my intentions anyway...
You just think of me negatively.

Think I value my friends more?
Just read the above.

After all of this.
Don't blame me for anything anymore.
If you have issues with me, I can't help that.
I refuse to feel guilty when it's not my fault, when you refuse to listen, when you never ask.

I'm not sorry.

Remember me this way

If I should die before I wake...

Play this song for me...

"Remember me this way" - Jordan Hill

Every now and then, we find a special friend, who never lets us down
(To these friends of mine, I've already spoken to... you know how precious you are to me, you made a difference in my life... you gave me a life worth living)

Who understands it all, reaches out each time you fall, you're the best friend that I've found
(This is true for so many of you, especially Esther...)

I know you can't stay, but part of you will never ever go away, your heart will stay
(We have parted, but in my heart, in my soul, I'll remember you, wherever I may go)

I'll make a wish for you, and hope it will come true
(You'll be in my prayers, just like you always have been)

That life will just be kind, so such a gentle mind
(Don't ever give up or despair...never...)

If you lose your way, think back on yesterday, remember me this way...
(Remember the times we shared, the good and bad that happened. We made it through all that.)

I know you can't see, the love you bring to me, no matter where I go
(With you, I felt loved and special... always...)

I know you'll be there, forevermore a part of me you're everywhere
(I'm not afraid of what lies ahead because you've built me up to be brave)

I'll always care

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
(I'll always look out for you, I'll only want the best for you)

I'll be standing by your side in all you do
(No matter what you decide to do, which path you decide to take, I'll support you all the way)

And I won't ever leave, as long as you believe.
(Nothing you can do could make me turn away from you, unless you want me to)

On the Source

Have you ever felt like you should be happy,
that life is going the way it ought to,
that you have everything you need...

Yet... at the same time feel that something is missing?

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being really ungrateful for my blessings.
I ask myself why I'm searching for more when I've already got it all.

I seek to know my God more,
but at times, the more I seek, the further away He seems.

I've been assured time and time again that God is there no matter what.
I know it.

One of my favourites would probably be...

When adverse circumstances come into your life, be assured that He is still there - just keep your eyes on the Source, not on the circumstances.

Sometimes....
I don't even know what to think....

Ouch

You know what?

Sometimes...
What you want and what's good for you is not the same.

And man...

That bloody hurts.

Discipline

You know what?

The difference between success and failure is Discipline.

So much easier said than done...